Age Jokes

Bebi · **Bebi**

"TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!! "

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
cried. The dispatchersaid, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says.
"She got in the back seat by mistake."

FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of
the bath?" The 94- year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up
and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the
stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table
having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I
sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at
the door."

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man
chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown
and say Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently
for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss
me "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said:
"Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed
clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few
times a week to play cards One day they were playing cards when
one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know
we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me
what your name is." Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came
to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on
through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I
must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red
light." After a few more minutes, theycame to another intersection
and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman
in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Ohmygosh! Am I driving?"

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Bebi · **Bebi**

You know you're growing up when...

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favourite song in a lift.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up"
and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.

9. Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

13.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps from noon to 6 pm.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset,
rather than settle your stomach.

19. If you're a girl, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one save your sorry old butt.

BONUS: When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh s*$# - what happened?"
_________________

Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to!

Bebi · **Bebi**

Senior's Sex Guide

Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

Don't even think about trying it twice.
_________________

Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to!

Darkwind · **Darkwind**

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today I went to the pool for my PT as usual and there in the pool was a family. Not a nice family with little happy kids laughing and having a good time, I was a dysfunctional family with a mother from hell yelling at her kids like a ban-shee.

After assessing the situation, I climbed into the pool and trapping a bit of air in my suit. I swam over to one of the regulars and said in my best Monty Python, “Oh, I wasn't sure if I wanted to come today. I've been farty all morning. I had diarrhea all night." Then I released the air. I turned to see them all bolt from the pool. After they left my friend still in the pool smiled and said "Feel better now. I know I do."

laughing

Sorry about the move I for got to put it in a category.

vincent · **vincent**

You can do what I have done

Careful not to swim in the yellow water.
7 kids and one adult fought over the ladder trying to get out.

I had the pool to myself.

Keep in mind I ONLY said those words I did not do anything in the pool.
_________________
NATIVE AMERICAN WISDOM

Bebi · **Bebi**

MIDLIFE

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-l ife brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally
-- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
_________________

Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to!

Guest · **Guest**

Bebi,

The midlife thing is funny, funny stuff...especially the part about flying squirrels in drag.

I definitely wouldn't trade the experience and knowledge I have now for my 20 y/o body. However, if anyone finds a way to have both...let me know, okay?

UC

Upbeat Cynic · **Upbeat Cynic**

AGGHHHH! That's me above.

Of course I forget to sign in on the AGE thread. What were you saying about memory loss?

vincent · **vincent**

. The Love Dress .
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
“I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband Love's me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law thought that she should leave before he arrives home, so she left quickly.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put a romantic CD on the stereo, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.
"It needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
_________________
NATIVE AMERICAN WISDOM

Bebi · **Bebi**

Friendly Advice from a Retired Man
>

> For those who have a WIFE and progressively adding years on.

> It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

>Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman!

>

> My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for the extra income and for the health insurance benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

>

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

>

> She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

>

> Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

>

> I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

>

> When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

>

> I know I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other... Ron

>

> [Ed. Note: Ron died suddenly last Thursday. He was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha golf club rammed up his >backside with only 2 inches of grip showing...His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.]

_________________

Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to!