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Post subject: Religious Jokes
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Carstianity
"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."
Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who art in Half-ton.
I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.
He is the Alfa and the Romeo.
He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.
He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.
Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee.
If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.
He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."
He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross.
But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.
Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible, In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur. I shall not Walk.
He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals.
Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I shall Fiero no Eagle.
Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean, Four-cylinder."
Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!
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 Fri Apr 07, 2006 11:01 pm |
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Oh my! You made me cry!! That is too much!! 
I had to show it to my husband, he's a huge car guy. |
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| Sat Apr 08, 2006 3:22 am |
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| I know its funny stuff huh?? I had this posted once on UM on the religious boards....not too many christians liked it but I did lol :grin: |
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| Sat Apr 08, 2006 6:38 am |
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An Asian died and went to heaven, at the gates he saw St. Peter.
He said to St. Peter 'I'm here for Jesus'
St. Peter turned around and shouted 'Taxi for Jesus'.
_________________
Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?
Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to! |
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| Sun Apr 16, 2006 12:56 pm |
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In an ancient monastery in a faraway place, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery's scriptorium. He was assigned as a rubricator on copies of books that had already been copied by hand.
One day he, asked Father Florian, "Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for chances of error? How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else? Are they ever checked against the original?"
Father Florian is set back a bit by the obvious logical observation of this youthful monk. "A very good point, my son. I will take one of the latest books down to the vault and compare it against the original."
Father Florian went down to the secured vault and began his verification.
After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went down looking for the old priest. They were sure something must have happened. As they approached the vault, they heard sobbing and crying. When they opened the door, they found Father Florian sobbing over the new copy and the original ancient book, both of which opened before him on the table. It was obvious to all that the poor man had been crying his old heart out for a long time.
What is the problem, Reverend Father?" asked one of the monks.
"Oh my," sobbed the priest, "the word is 'celebrate'!"
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NATIVE AMERICAN WISDOM |
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| Sun Apr 16, 2006 7:40 pm |
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St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.
After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."
Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"
The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"
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NATIVE AMERICAN WISDOM |
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| Sun Apr 16, 2006 7:44 pm |
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The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slaps her
_________________
"If you take a copy of the Christian Bible and put it out in the wind and the rain, soon the paper on which the words are printed will disintegrate and the words will be gone. Our bible IS the wind."
Statement by an anonymous Native American woman. |
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| Tue Apr 18, 2006 5:05 pm |
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Christian and Roger were two ordinary little prawns living off the coast of Florida. Life was good for the pair except when the sharks would try to eat them. One day Roger just happened to see a huge shadow out the corner of his eye and pulled his friend into a cranny where the huge killer shark couldn't reach.
"I'm fed up being a prawn,"Roger moaned,"always on the look out for sharks.I want to be a shark!".
At that moment a sizable cod named Humphrey was swimming by.
"I'm a magic fish,!Humphrey said,"and if you wish I can turn you into a shark."
"That would be great." the little prawn cried as with a loud crash and big puff of blue smoke Roger the prawn became Roger the Tiger Shark.
All was well for the first couple of days but then Roger began to miss his friends. In the end his longing to be surrounded by his mates got the better of him and the next time he saw Humphrey the cod he asked him to change him back. With a huge crash Roger became a prawn once more.
Excitedly he rushed back to the little cave where his friend Christian lived and he hammered on the door.
"Who is it?" a little voice said from within.
"Its me Roger. Let me in "
"I'm not opening the door to you," Christian exclaimed indignantly, "you're a huge shark. You'll eat me."
"Don't be stupid," the little prawn said.....
"I've seen cod, I'm a prawn again Christian."
_________________
Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?
Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to! |
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| Sat Apr 22, 2006 10:13 am |
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 Bebi, Zannie & Vince where do you guys come up with this stuff LOL 
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| Sat Apr 22, 2006 10:38 pm |
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Dunno about the rest of them, but I copy and paste mine out of emails I receive
_________________
Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?
Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to! |
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| Sun Apr 23, 2006 9:44 am |
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I think I got one from an e-mail the other/others I googled "JOKES+RELIGION" or "JOKES+SKEPTIC" or "JOKES+type of joke I want" then look for the good ones.
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NATIVE AMERICAN WISDOM |
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| Sun Apr 23, 2006 12:03 pm |
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| Mon Apr 24, 2006 11:42 am |
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| Bebi wrote: | | Dunno about the rest of them, but I copy and paste mine out of emails I receive |
That reminds me Vince I have recieved a number of your emails which of course I will read in a bit thanks for those  keep em coming lol
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| Mon Apr 24, 2006 1:34 pm |
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| Mon Apr 24, 2006 1:57 pm |
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Post subject: GEORGE CARLIN ON RELIGION
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We will see how well the language filters work.
----------------------------------------------
The Ultimate Bullshit
In the Bullshit Department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.
'Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks. When it comes to bullshit,
big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time
champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No
contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told.
Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an
invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute
of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does
not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special
place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he
will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry
forever and ever 'til the end of time!
But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money!
He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't
handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and
they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story.
Holy Shit!
But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when
it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried
to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and
likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried
to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look
around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth,
poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is
definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am
not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme
Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad
attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy
would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I
say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if
there is a God, it has to be a man.
_________________
"If you take a copy of the Christian Bible and put it out in the wind and the rain, soon the paper on which the words are printed will disintegrate and the words will be gone. Our bible IS the wind."
Statement by an anonymous Native American woman. |
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| Mon Apr 24, 2006 8:31 pm |
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