JMPD
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On RelationshipsAs a man who has been married to the same woman for almost 20 years (September 21 will be our 20th), I can tell you a couple of things worth remembering.
1 - Lack of communication is the number one reason for disputes. No matter how long you have been together, you must talk AND listen to each other.
2 - Maintain a sense of civility to each other. We still say things like 'please' and 'thank you'. Never take what your partner does for you for granted. ALWAYS show your appreciation.
3 - Surprise her. It doesn't have to be a big thing, just something to let her know that you think about her. Even a single rose presented to her when you walk in the door can make her day. But don't forget that sometimes, bigger IS better ;)
4 - NEVER bring your bad day at work home to her. Tell her about it if she asks, but don't take it out on her. But allow her to vent on you (Get over it, you have big broad shoulders, right? ).
5 - Do some of the household chores WITHOUT being asked. If your wife is like mine, she works too, and even if she doesn't work outside the house, she deserves a break as well as you do.
6- NEVER go to bed angry with each other. Stay up until dawn if you have to, but work it out. Also, don't let things fester. If you hide your anger or irritation, it WILL blow up sometime. And, if you fight, fight fair. Argue over the issue at hand, not something that happened a month ago or longer (Ladies you should follow this one too).
7 - Take the time to tell her you love her and that you appreciate her and that you think about her. It means a lot.
There are probably a few more I'm forgetting, but it is late. I'll add them later.
ciao for now
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Bebi
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Great post - I agree 100% with what you're saying.
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Geri_Berri
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I agree with you JM
Lack of consideration has been a huge problem with myself and my man....and he hates to talk things over...this is why things can get heavy!!!
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Bebi
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I know sometimes it's hard to get across what you want to say. My husband and I have a system to get around this - I'm useless at speaking verbally so if I have anything to say that I can't say in person I sit and type him a letter. After he's sat and read it to himself we then sit and discuss what I've written.
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JMPD
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That is a good idea Bebi!
Sometimes, when the wife an I have an issue that we are very emotional about, rather that screaming and yelling at each other, we have a 'written dialogue'. You write down your thought or statement, then pass it to your partner. They read it, and respond in writing.
This forces you to actually concentrate on what you are reading, and respond. Many times, when we talk, we are actually forming our next response and not paying 100% attention to WHAT the other is saying.
Plus, after you have resolved the issue, it is fun to have a little ceremony where you burn the pages, symbolically watching your problems go "up in smoke".
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Guest
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Jm i gotta agree with you One thing I didn't notice on your list WAS A SENSE OF HUMOR, My hubby (13 years) and i try to turn our differences into lighter not so serious communications, It works we both are extrmely intense passionate people who had the potential to be too sensitive in the early days, i haev to say my hubby taught me how to laugh at my self and him too , its gone far in just being good friends and its fun, we truly have ways to work things out now where once it would of been all week, ...You sound as if yo uhave an amazing partnership Jm..
Bebi I always say its the imperfections that give quality and perfection to the relationship, we learn the most from our differnces and at times it takes a few rolls lol..... 
great topic Bec's Ma did it again....
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Bebi
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Rolls...  hehe
Yes I agree with the sense of humour comment. We have a philosophy that whatever happens, in time we'll end up having a giggle at it one day.
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Guest
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Rolls hmmm lol well ya know its all in good fun lol....
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Darkwind
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I know one you missed;
8. Put down the seat. 
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Guest
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good one darkwind good one, gosh put down the seat  :smt118
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Bebi
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LOL the seat thing really doesn't bother me. Living here with two men I find myself unconsciously putting it back up most of the time 
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JMPD
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LOL That one never occured to me, because I live in a house with two females. And practically grew up in my sisters home, and she had 3 girls. The seat is always down.
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vincent
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Re: On Relationships | JMPD wrote: | | As a man who has been married to the same woman for almost 20 years (September 21 will be our 20th), I can tell you a couple of things worth remembering. |
Congratulations JM. There are too many that don't make it to their first.
| JMPD wrote: | | 1 - Lack of communication is the number one reason for disputes. No matter how long you have been together, you must talk AND listen to each other. |
Not just communication but the right kind of communication.
Example
I had a lady I was living with for almost 5 years and it seem like all we did was "snipe" at each other and when it got to the point of a full blown argument I would leave and go for a walk. When things calmed down then I/we/she would try to solve what the problem was.
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Guest
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the communication thing is big, you have got to be able to talk and be comfortable enough with your partner to talk. Vincent why did you find it difficult to talk at the time???
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vincent
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I do not like to argue with someone I love. People will say things in anger that they might have put in a more tactful way.
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Geri_Berri
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I too hate to argue with someone I love...but at times it's unaviodable...but in the end of it all...I normally wind up saying sorry..over and over again
My bark is much worse than my bite!
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Michael
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Rebecca and I argue and challenge each other's perspectives constantly. I understand that you're referring to arguing of a different nature (quarreling) but in actuality all types of argumentation are related. In my personal experience, I've come to realize that it's primary to truly comprehend each other's words (since they can be quite slippery). I can be playfully ambiguous at times; Rebecca enjoys sarcasm--but we always find that shared space where we can have open-minded dialogue and embrace our diversity.
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rose_ashes
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my boyfriend and i usually encounter problems because i'm one of those people that wants to work things out and talk it over until we have a solution. he, on the other hand, would rather just forget the disagreement and pretend it never happened. my theory is that it will only pop up in a later argument. it's never good to let disagreements or hostility boil as opposed to reaching a compromise.
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Darkwind
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A doctor told my wife and I not to argue due to her health. After about three months of that we were both ready to blow. One night she started yelling at me for some little thing, then I started yelling back. By the time we hashed it all out we felt so much better. We decided that we needed to argue once in a while, and it is not good to hold all that in. So we went back to our bi monthly arguement. We told the doctor the stress of holding it all in was worse than the arguement. He had to agree.
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Guest
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Mister berri and sheri berri are so intense and passionate many think we are arguing but its who we are with each other, our philosophy is we have to be who we are we can't possibly agree with everything nor should we the differences and the imperfections are what make are relationship so beautiful and deep, in the early days we would fall apart over a arguenment but that changes in time its healthy to clear the air as needed, IMO that is the sign of a healthy relationship.....A therapist client of mine told me that arguing is fine if there is alot of love too its when it becomes all fighting then the relating is unbalanced and this may be a problem...society conditions us to define the perfect relationship by 'never disagreeing when the truth is that is not possible......
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