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Post subject: One liners
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.
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 Fri Apr 07, 2006 10:16 pm |
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What do you do if your dishwasher stops working???
Slap her a** and tell her to get back to work. |
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| Sat Apr 08, 2006 3:29 am |
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A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument
for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?'
The waitress leaned over and said ....... 'Burrr gurrr king'.
It's important to keep fit as you get older,
my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60.
Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!
_________________
Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?
Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to! |
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| Sun Apr 16, 2006 12:57 pm |
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Confucius Say...
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Don't eat the snow where the huskies go!
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!
Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.
Man standing on toilet is high on pot.
Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk
Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue!
Man who live in glass house should not throw parties!
Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers!
When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.
"Man with glass house must dress in basement!"
Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don't have film!
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
_________________
Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?
Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to! |
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| Sun May 21, 2006 8:53 am |
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Every path has its puddle.-- English Proverb
A tune is more lasting than the song of the birds, and a word more lasting than the wealth of the world. -- Irish Proverb
Words must be weighed, not counted. -- Polish Proverb
All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today -- Chinese Proverb
Happy is he who has the power to gather wisdom from a flower. -- Medieval Saying
Time flies, suns rise, And shadows fall. Let time go by, Love is forever over all. -- Old English Saying
May your laughter be from God. -- Irish Proverb
See everything. Overlook a great deal, improve a little. -- Pope John 23rd
Worry gives a small thing a big shadow. -- Swedish Proverb
The feet find the road easy when the heart walks with them. -- Russian Proverb
Good luck beats early rising. -- Irish Proverb
One kind word can warm three winter months. -- Japanese Proverb
What you cannot say briefly, you do not know. -- Danish Proverb
The secret of success -- get up when you fall down. -- Yiddish Proverb
Learning without thought is useless, thought without learning is dangerous. -- Confucius
A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hand will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away. -- Arabian Proverb
_________________
NATIVE AMERICAN WISDOM |
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| Sun May 21, 2006 11:44 am |
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Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What's the difference between a Boitch and a Ho?
A. A Ho sleeps with everybody at the party, and a Boitch sleeps
with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. Jewish dilemma:
A. Free PORK.
Q. What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther
King Day?
A. On St. Patrick's Day, everybody wishes they were Irish.
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side. Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who
has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their arsehole and they vapour-lock.
Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
:)
_________________
Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?
Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to! |
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| Thu May 25, 2006 1:47 pm |
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