More religious jokes

Geri_Berri · **Geri_Berri**

Seventeenth Chapter
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

Chapter Eleven

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

vincent · **vincent**

I knelt to pray but not for long,
I had too much to do. I had to hurry and
get to work For bills would soon be due.
So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,
And jumped up off my knees.
My Christian duty was now done
My soul could rest at ease.
All day long I had no time
To spread a word of cheer.
No time to speak of Christ to friends,
They'd laugh at me I'd fear.
No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need
But at last the time, the time to die.
I went before the Lord, I came,
I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God held a book;
It was the book of Life.
God looked into his book and said
"Your name I cannot find.
I once was going to write it down...
But never found the time"
_________________
NATIVE AMERICAN WISDOM

Bebi · **Bebi**

> >>At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit
>the books of a Synagogue.
>
> While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I
>notice you buy a lot of candles.
>
> What do you do with the candle drippings?"
>
>
>
> "Good question" noted the Rabbi.
>
> "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now
>and then they send us a free box of candles."
>
> "Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
>question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
>
>
>
> "What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the
>crumbs?"
>
> "Ah, yes" replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
>trap him with an unanswerable question.
>
> "We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now
>and then they send us a free box of bread wafers."
>
> "I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
>the know-it-all Rabbi.
>
>
>
> "Well, Rabbi" he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover
>foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
>
> "Here, too, we do not waste" answered the Rabbi.
>
> "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
>
> And about once a year they send us a complete prick."
_________________

Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

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Bebi · **Bebi**

CATHOLIC PARROTS
>
> A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
>
> "Father, I have a problem.
>
>
>
>
>
> I have two female parrots,
>
> but they only know how to say one thing."
>
> "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
>
>
>
> They say,
>
> "Hi, we're hookers!
>
> Do you want to have some fun?"
>
>
>
> That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,
>
>
>
>
>
> then he thought for a moment.
>
>
>
> "You know," he said,
>
> "I may have a solution to your problem.
>
> I have two male talking parrots,
>
> which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
>
> Bring your two parrots over to my house,
>
> and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
>
>
>
> My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
>
> and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .
>
> that phrase . . in no time."
>
>
>
> Thank you," the woman responded,
>
> "this may very well be the solution."
>
> The next day,
>
> she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
>
> As he ushered her in,
>
> she saw that his two male parrots
>
> were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
>
>
>
>
>
> Impressed,
>
> she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
>
>
>
> After a few minutes,
>
> the female parrots cried out in unison:
>
> Hi, we're hookers!
>
> Do you want to have some fun?"
>
> T here was stunned silence.
>
> Shocked,
>
> one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
>
> and exclaimed,
>
> "Put the beads away, Frank.
>
>
>
>
>
> Our prayers have been answered!"
>
>
_________________

Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to!

Bebi · **Bebi**

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. . . .

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

_________________

Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to!

Bebi · **Bebi**

Subject: Who was Jesus?

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American
Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments the Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all -
3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't
get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.
_________________

Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to!

El Bandito · **El Bandito**

True so true bebi...LOL...El Bandito

_________________
Never fear the dead, fear the living, they are more dangerous...."Trust Me"