Dirty Jokes

Geri_Berri · **Geri_Berri**

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Bebi · **Bebi**

Not sure if these should be in the One Liners section or here, but I'm adding them here to be on the safe side :O)

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night,
I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing.

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger.
He said try rubbing toilet paper between you tits, it's worked for your arse.

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex
with his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris
licking frog'
She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's
your mum like?'
Little girl replies "Big cocks and vodka".

Boss has to lay off Ann or jack. #
Ann walks into the office, boss say's
'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....
'You better jack off, I've got a headache'

Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93.
The worst part was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.

Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank,
my hands were all a quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital
to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis......
he won't be shagging one of those again!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of
tinsel....
They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her
pussy.
Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip
of the iceberg!

Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite,
the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?'
The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the arse'!
_________________

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JMPD · **JMPD**

A newly married man and wife had just finished a vigorous game of "rumple the sheets" when the wife said she would like some money to buy some new clothes.
The sleepy husband replied "everytime we make love, I'll give you a dollar to put in a jar, and you can use it for whatever you want"

The next evening, the young couple played another round and he gave her the dollar which she dutifully put in a large pickle jar in the corner of the bedroom.
Being rather atheletic, the couplefollowed this pattern night after night for two weeks.

On the third Monday, while getting dressed for work the husband noticed that the jar was close to being full and thought to himself "Yeah, baby! Who's the man?" and went to take a closer look. Noticing that there were 5's, 10's, 20's and even a 50 dollar note mixed in with about 14 singles, the husband confronted the wife in the kitchen and asked "Hey, where did all those big bills in the jar come from?"

To which the young wife turned and replied " What? You think everyone is as cheap as you?............"
_________________
Masks reveal what they conceal. Indeed, a person does not hide behind a mask so much as struggle beneath the weight of it.

visit the boarder

zandore · **zandore**

One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack, dies prematurely -- and goes straight to Hell. The Devil greets him, but says "I don't know exactly what to do with you. Of course you are on my list, so you will have to stay -- but you got here a little earlier than I expected and I don't have your room ready yet."

The Devil thinks for a moment and says, "Tell you what I can do. There are a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you were. I can let one of them go so long as you take their place. I'll even let you decide who gets to leave."

Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could be doing that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, over and over again.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," said Bill.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton�saw Jesse Jackson, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle position. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

His eyes widening in disbelief, Clinton grinned as he took in the whole picture and said, "Oh yea, I know can handle this."

The Devil nodded and smiled. "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
_________________
"If you take a copy of the Christian Bible and put it out in the wind and the rain, soon the paper on which the words are printed will disintegrate and the words will be gone. Our bible IS the wind."
Statement by an anonymous Native American woman.

Guest · **Guest**

parking 5 dollars, bungee jumping 20 dollars, shitting your pants on the bungee jumping ride priceless......

Bebi · **Bebi**

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening, Stinkin' drunk, as he often did,and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange
man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered,
"This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter."

Brian was stunned, "You mean I'm
dead?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said 'goodbye' to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away."

St. Peter replied, "Yes, you can be
reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but, knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered
in feathers and clucking around,
pecking the ground. "This isn't so bad," he thought until he felt this
strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So, you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replied Brian,

"but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replied Brian.

"Well, just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and, after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him!!!

The joy kept coming and, as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

"Brian, wake up you drunken beastard, you're shitting the bed!!"
_________________

Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

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Bebi · **Bebi**

Onions & Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears,
still nice but hanging a bit.

In her fifties, they are like onions.

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

A Christmas tree?

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
_________________

Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to!

vincent · **vincent**

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."

He says, "But my face is a mess."

She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
_________________
NATIVE AMERICAN WISDOM

vincent · **vincent**

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the Boitch in the kitchen."

EDIT: I see the language filters only caught 1 swear word! Mr. Green

The last one.
_________________
NATIVE AMERICAN WISDOM

vincent · **vincent**

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....
_________________
NATIVE AMERICAN WISDOM

Bebi · **Bebi**

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had
disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came
here in the first place."

..........................................................................................

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.
Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..."
Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."
Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."
Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."
.......................................................................................

This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have sex, to stick his
finger in his wife's vagina, and then rub it under his nose, and the smell would cause his hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection. That night, he decided to make his
move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger in her vagina, and then rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his penis, and it began to stiffen. Amazed, he
decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them in her vagina, then rubbed them both under his nose, and his penis quickly jumped to 3/4 erect. He decided to
try 3 fingers, so he put them in her vagina, then rubbed them all
around under his nose. Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said, "Honey, quick
turn on the lights, and check this out!" She turned on the lights, and with his penis standing tall, he proudly asked, "What do you think?" She looked at him and said, "Looks like the worst nose bleed I've ever seen!"

..........................................................................................................
In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the
head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

..........................................................................................

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
........................................................................................

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go Censuré

herself!"
_________________

Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to!

Bebi · **Bebi**

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 5 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married 5 times?!"

"Well......

Husband #1 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #2 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #3 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #4 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #5 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
_________________

Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to!

Bebi · **Bebi**

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Eddy what is your problem?" Eddy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Eddy to the principal's office.

While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Eddy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Eddy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Eddy can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Eddy both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Eddy, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Eddy replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Eddy: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Eddy: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Eddy was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Eddy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Eddy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Eddy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Eddy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
_________________

Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to!

vincent · **vincent**

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?" "I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep... "And, what about your best friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad Dog"
_________________
NATIVE AMERICAN WISDOM

Bebi · **Bebi**

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by

a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline.

Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain

or to help with a gate hinge.

But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty.

Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.

My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

_________________

Why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

Go on - CLICK ME - you know you want to!